He Wasn't What She Wanted

And the stories roll in! Woo hoo!

When you think about the person you're going to marry (or the person you thought you'd marry), what's he like? Tall? Dark? Handsome? Athletic? Into poetry? Well, for one of my story contributors, she learned that if she hadn't gotten past her wish list, she would've missed the perfect-FOR-HER guy right in front of her.

The issue she surmounted: He just wasn't what she thought she wanted.

I've heard these statements, and the like, so often (names changed - wink):

• "I told myself I would never marry someone shorter than I, but I'd trade in heels any day because Jason is the most amazing guy I've ever met and I'm totally in love with him."
• "My best friend always imagined marrying an older guy, but Gavin is 12 years younger than she is and they absolutely adore each other."
• "My sister had a habit of turning her nose up at guys with no hair, but she ended up with a guy who's totally bald!"
•  "I never wanted to marry a guy who already had children, but Mike is everything I never knew I needed, and I can't imagine life without our little family."

It could be anything really, from physical appearance to educational background to ethnicity. The point is that these girls discovered that their preferences were just that: preferences. They weren't exactly deal breakers.

In my research for this book, I've come across some really interesting, helpful resources - ones that have given me a lot to consider as I reflect on my own journey. I'll be sharing some of these as we go along.

But ONE book I came across last year I have to say I found pretty terrifying at first. It was called: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough Not only does the title alone have words that I find abismally insipid ("Settling" and "Good Enough" are not in my vernacular when it comes to my future best-friend-co-adventurer, thank you very much), but it scares you into thinking that if you don't marry the first guy who's decent and . . . well . . . willing . . . a future of spinsterhood and cats awaits you.

As my stomach stopped churning enough for me to crack the book open, page after page, Ms Gottlieb successfully struck fear into my very soul. Now it could've just been the space that I was in (a recent break up with someone who probably could've been "good enough"), but I was really freaking out.

Oh my gosh - it's all my own fault that I'm single! THIS is why! I'm way too picky! Dear Jesus, what have I DONE? According to Lori Gottlieb, I've ruined several perfectly good relationships because of my impossibly high standards/lists of what I'm looking for/inability to be pleased/fill in the blank. I'm DEFINITELY going to "die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs."

Just before I had a nervous breakdown-induced loss of consciousness, a whisper of sanity invaded.

Hold on a minute. She's left out the GOD FACTOR. She's left out all the bits about God having a good plan for you. She's left out the stuff about His guidance and His direction and His care about this matter. And remember that guy you used to like and him and him and that other guy back then? You're actually not as picky as the voice in your head would have you believe. Wooooooosa.

Phew. When I took a minute to chill-the-heck-out, and wade through the mire of fear mongering self-blame, I was able to get a bit of objectivity to sort out some of my preferences from the deal breakers.

• Preference: loves Shakespeare and the classics
• Deal breaker: I have to drag him to church
• Preference: has dark hair
• Deal breaker: thinks my outgoing, bubbly personality should be stifled
• Preference: university educated
• Deal breaker: hates and refuses to travel

Stuff like that.

How about you? If you're married, what are your thoughts about what you thought you wanted versus who you fell in love with? And if you're single, have you sifted through your non-negotiables versus mere preferences? Would love to start a discussion on this!

*Update on the book: Since the last post, three more women have signed up to be story contributors! I know this time of year can be challenging, so I appreciate the stories that have been submitted and those of you who've told me you're busy writing. Still looking for more writers - if that's you sign up here for more details. Thanks! :)